Worst Day Ever

Instrument of Torture

I think I've mentioned this Lynne Random Fact before but I get a morbid enjoyment from ranking/listing the worst days of my life. I try to limit it to a top 5 list and when worse worst days happen they can bump off lesser worst days. Like a little Lynne *This is your Life* competition. Before this Thanksgiving I was proud of the fact that I'd only had four worst days of my life. After this Thursday I was going to add Thanksgiving of 2004 as the fifth worst day and have lots of fun venting and blogging about my crazy family. However, after today, this past Thanksgiving has already been bumped off the list. In no particular order:

Worst Day #1: July 4th 2002 spent in Washington, DC
Worst Day #2: July 4th 2003 spent in New York City
Worst Day #3: January 13 of 2004 spent in Hale, MI
Worst Day #4: April Moving Weekend of 2004 spent in Washington, DC, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Michigan.
And now Worst Day #5: November 29 2004 spent in the doctor's office...

Today has been added to the list because today I had to endure a colposcopy/cervical biopsy. Yuck. Due to the fact that some of you may be faint of heart (plus I have no desire to relive it) I will not give the gorey details. (For the stout of heart you can check out the link) The picture posted of one of the instruments of torture used should be enough. *The small sharp teeth allow for percision*...bite me. If you're ever told you need one you should tell your doctor to screw herself and run for the hills. Just kidding, you should do it just in case. But learn from my mistake. Go drunk. That way you won't feel as much...;)

Luckily my local video store has purchsed the first two seasons of the X-files on DVD so I've been watching those all day wrapped in a blanket. It's made my feel a lot better. Also, luckily for me, my blogger friends have hilarious posts to keep my mind off the fact that I now know how the turkey feels...
Cheers!

This is Zak

Zak

Despite his feeble protests this is the picture I decided to post of my husband because I love it. You can tell how much he hates it as he's even cranky in the picture-I obviously forced him to play along. This is from a trip to the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago. Luckily, the rest of the trip he was in better spirits.
And Since it's almost Thanksgiving I figured I'd post about one of the things I'm thankful for-Zak. He's hilarious. Here are just a few of things he did today to make me laugh my ass off:

1. Zak had to send a Get Well Soon card and a Wedding Congrats card to two co-workers but he didn't know their last names (don't even ask me why not) so he just addressed them to the first name. Such as: Joe
123 Fake St.
Funkytown, MI 48000
I thought this was extremely humerous. The envelope just looked so rediculous. Like a letter to Santa or something.

2. Zak has bad allergies and they were in rare form today. So I went into wife/drill sergeant mode and was asking him what they could be-is it the cat? seasonal? dust? Is the car dirty? After about 5 minutes and him not being able to take it any longer he finally yelled "It's your butt!" I guess this is what I get for marrying the guy I met at 18-the fact that at any moment he'll regress back to freshman year and start hurling butt or hynie insults. I guess I'm guilty of the same thing every so often...

3. This evening Zak found a Jack Lalaine Juicer Infomercial absolutly fascinating and kept interupting me with useless trivia about Jack Lalaine while I was trying to blog. He did this until I couldn't take it anymore and yelled at him to quit being a hynie.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Don't forget to let that special someone know you care and call them a hynie!

Think of Me

.

Think of me fondly even though I am so looking forward to the movie version of The Phantom of The Opera. I feel a bit lame because of my excitment and I'm not sure why I'm so intrigued by this remake but I do plan on going to see it in the theater. I think it's because this past July I went to London and saw The Phantom on stage and I was strangley attracted to the Phantom character. Was it because he's so mysterious? Or was it because of the tight pants and mask? Hmmmm...maybe that's why I dig Halloween so much.
Anywho. This is a bad picture of me at the Paris Opera where The Phantom of the Opera is supposed to take place. I got to see the huge chandelier and everything. I was actually quite close to it since I had horrible seats. Seats that were obviously meant for a 19th century french body and not my 20th/21st century American booty. It was one of the most physically uncomfortable nights of my life.

Is It Just Me...

Or do those Old Navy commercials make anyone else want to kick something. Or break a window *with a brick*. Those commercials get worse every year. Plus, they've started earlier this year which means I'll have to listen to those lame songs for an extra month. I find myself scowling every time I see and/or hear it. This isn't going to be pretty. I have a feeling I'm going to be that much more cranky this holiday season.
Alas, what happened!? I used to love the holidays.

Accio DVD!

Yay!!!

I'm not sure if you know this about me but I am a huge Harry Potter fan. I am so excited that the newest Harry Potter movie (based on the 3rd book), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is coming out on DVD on November 23rd. I know I'm 25 and shouldn't be into it that much but the books (and now, movies) are just so great. I'll give you even greater insight into the madness-when the 5th book came out I actually went to a midnight release party and purchased my book at midnight. I even dressed up. Also I saw this movie about 4 times already in the theater-once while in France. I have a problem.
Oh well. I don't remember having anything worth this kind of craze while I was a kid so I'm just partaking in it now. J.K. Rowling is a friggin' genius.

Sprout

Meow

This is my cat, Sprout. But I think I should have named her Damien since she very often acts like the spawn of satan. Like most cats she has that weird split personality disorder- one second she's loveable and the next she's trying to claw your eyes out. Today was no exception-especially since we were preparing for a trip to the vet.
She hates getting in her crate and riding in the car. Today I enlisted the help of my husband to try and get her into the crate. It's really a five person job. Well, five people covered in head-to-toe protective gear and masks. Somehow we were able to stuff her in but not without her first going straight for my jugular and me recieveing three stab wounds. Actually stab and pull wounds. They look hideous. Like I was attacked my an overzealous vampire.
Then the damn crate door was broken so we had to try and tie to together while she swiped at us from within. We finally gave up and I had to hold the door closed and my husband had to drive me to the vet-Sprout crying the entire way. The vet must think I'm crazy because Sprout acts like a perfect angel when she's there. Not a peep-even while getting her bladder flushed (don't ask me, I have no idea) and her booster shots. The vet just gushes about what a wonderful sweet natured cat I have. Apperently she didn't notice me bleeding profusely from the neck.
Well we got Sprout safely back home by giving up on the other crate and just taking the free cardboard carrier from the Vet office. She's spent the rest of the day attacking me and my husband and tearing around the apartment like a maniac. Hopefully she'll foregive us soon and take a nap. She's sweet when she's sleeping. Someday, while she's sleeping, I'm going to shave her and see it I find three 6s somewhere on her body...

I Hate Grocery Shopping

But today I had to go because I ran out of things to eat and drink. I hate pushing that stupid cart around and then having to lug bags and bags from my car to my apartment.

But today I had a little more excitement than I usually do. I decided to take some of my recycling (pop/beer cans) back and while walking up to the recycling machines I notice an older woman (probebly around 45/50) getting rid of her cans as well. The bottom half of her body was blocked by her cart so I took no notice of her normal brown v-neck sweater and nice gold chain with charm. However, when I moved behind her to use the other machines I got a huge suprise. She was wearing the shortest skirt I'd ever seen! It was brown plaid with a buckle-something I'd seen on the teen population- and it barely covered her butt. Plus, to top it all off she was also wearing spike heeled *F%*#!-me* boots. Yikes!
I was a little taken a back but tried not to stare. I wonder if I'll be wearing totally inappropriate clothing when I'm her age. Probebly not, as I don't even dress that way now. But who knows. I think I'll wear sequined dresses to the grocery store when I'm older. Or a bathing suit. Yes, a bathing suit sounds fun.

Just in Case You Can't Get Enough of Me

Lynne...again...

Here is yet another picture of me and defenetly NOT my favorite. This is from my second trip to Paris and during a chubbier phase of the Life of Lynne. Hence all the cheek. I sear that's where I gain all my weight. Luckily I'm moving past this phase and back closer to the previous picture. But I like my hair in this picture. It's all messy and windblown. It's actually probebly because I haven't brushed it the whole day. I'm also not wearing make up which pisses me off. Why did I post this? Ah well...let's just call this *Weekend Lynne* shall we and never speak of her again...

A Closer Look

Lynne

Here's a *better* picture of me-but not the best. And I can't get that stupid block of white off there. It's older than the other picture but, again, I've looked the same for years. It was tough finding one I actually wanted to post. This is from a picture of me and my husband at a friend's wedding. It was summer and extremely hot thus the red cheeks. I'm just not a summer person. I always look red and sweaty in the summer even if when I'm feeling comfortable. maybe I was dancing and that's why I'm all ruddy. I'm a horrible dancer so chances are there was a lot of unneccesary movement and wacky arms. And it's very probabable that there was consumption of alcohol which also makes my cheeks red and warm...

Me

Me on the grounds of The Palace of Versailles

After a lot of yelling and cursing I was able to get my scanner to work. This is a picture of me from a couple of years ago but I still look the same. Except I now have a slightly shorter, slightly lopsided haircut, and I normally wouldn't wear those shoes with that outfit. This was taken after about a month and a half in Paris and I had blisters the size of baseballs from the other shoes I was wearing. I sacrificed good taste for comfort. The Parisiens have never forgiven me but I hope you can.

FYI: A couple weeks later those massive blisters would finally give way while running for a train in Pisa. It was not a pretty sight.

SuperSize Me

On Friday night I finally watched SuperSize Me. It was really good but it didn't have the impact on me that I expected. While I was totally disgusted by the outcome of eating fast food it didn't give me the aversion to McDonalds that I thought it might. I was expecting to never want to eat there again, yet as I was watching the guy stuff his arteries full of meat and cheese and meat and cheese I was actually a little envious. I actually broke down and got McD's today. I'm obvioulsy jaded-especially when it comes to food. I feel a little bad about this..but not really. In fact, I was a little more grossed out by the vegan meal the guy's girlfriend was serving him. I've always thought I could go Vegetarian if it wasn't for my addiction to McD's hanburgers and pepperoni on pizza. But apperently nothing can break my addiction for a good ole' Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

Holiday Crafts

I've had an urge to be creative lately. It must be the holiday season. As a kid I remeber doing major Holiday crafts this time of year: Hand Turkeys, Construction Paper Corcacopias, Cotton Ball Snowmen, those weird *glass* ornaments that you filled in metal outlines with beads and stuck them in the over to melt, etc.
So a couple of days ago, while in Barnes and Noble, I bought a "Paint your own Van Gogh" watercolor set complete with paints, bushes, and mini canvases. I thought it was going to be a paint-by-number and be easy. Thus I was slightly disappointed to find that the canvases just had simple outlines to follow and I'm finding it difficult to paint my own "Van Gogh". I've already lost interest even though the two I finished didn't turn out too bad.
I was so desperate for an art project that I almost cut up my most recent Pottery Barn catalogue to make a "Lynne's Dream House" diarama. But after not finding any readily available shoe boxes AND having my husband laugh at me for about 15 minutes after I mentioned my idea, I decided against it.
Maybe I'll just buy some more scrapbooking stuff and finally finish that art project from the last Holiday season...

Mass Amounts of Boring

It's been a while since I've posted anything because my life feels so boring right now-Just mass amounts of boring. Here's a list of the most *exciting* things I did this past week:

1. I'm reading J.R.R. Tolkien's The Silmarillion
This past summer I finally read The Lord of the Rings Trilogy and The Hobbit. I enjoyed them a lot and last Thursday I decided to read another Tolkien book. The problem is that this one reads like a bible of Middle Earth-except harder to understand. I got it for a break in heavy thesis reading but have found that I made a horrible mistake. I hate not finishing books after I start them so I feel compelled to muddle my way through it. Even my leisure time is boring...

2. I finally tried the Pumpkin Spice libations at Starbucks. I tried both the Frapacinno and the Latte. Both were excellent but I think the Caramel Apple Cider is still my favorite.

3. I finally won a Scrabble match. I was on a roll-I used words like *plunder* and *detours*. I even used up all my letters once and got the 50 bonus points. I can finally stop obsessing about that game. Whew.

4. I went to Toledo, OH and visited my adorable nephew. He is so cute-he's about 18 months and has a mass of firey red hair. My brother and sis-in-law are expecting another son and are having lots of problems choosing names. I had great suggestions like *Roscoe* and *Avery* but they didn't like them...hmph!

5. I applied to a bunch of jobs. Job searching sucks. I'm very impatient and can't understand why people don't call back immediatley. But then I hate the interview process because I'm never pleased with what I wear.

There was some other boring crap peppered throughout but nothing worth mentioning. I hope this weekend is better or I'm packing up my crap and comming to visit one of you this weekend...

Thesis Papers Suck

I'm currently on the last requirements for my Masters Degree in Art History: two thesis papers. Yeah, that's right...two. My university requires I write two thesis papers on two very different subjects-40-60 pages each. It really sucks. It feels like I've been working on them forever and I can't really enjoy anything as the papers are always on my mind.
I also think it's aided in the development of a sleeping disorder since anytime I open a book entitled "Sisters of the Brush", "The Construction of the Witch in Early Modern Germany", or anything remotly connected to either paper I immediatly fall asleep. I've resorted to going to coffee shops to read since, at least there, I can't sprawl out on the floor and take a nap. Except now I tend to people watch instead of work. Especially today since the girl at Starbucks was really loud and they were training someone new and I was trying to overhear recipes.
I was finally able to get through "Sister of the Brush" today...the pumpkin spice frappacino really helped.
This isn't just bitching people. I'm trying to teach a lesson. If you have the choice go with the non-thesis option! Plus, to really drive my point home I'm pretty sure the plural of *thesis* is *theses* which rhymes with *feces*.

I Want To Be Cool Too

Thus I am copying Kiddo and HotBabe and the ingenius idea of posting a survey about moi.

1. If you could have any three people over for TV dinners, who would they be?
Well Jen, Kiddo, and Stacey, of course!

2. What child actor would you choose as a roommate?
Elijah Wood He's cute and he's never been arrested.

3. What two people would you most like to be stranded on a desert island with?
My husband and my sister. They're both great conversationalists so I'd never get bored. And after my husband pisses me off I wouldn't feel bad about eating him.

4. If you could keep only one possession, what would it be?
My cat

5. What celebrity do you think you most resemble?
This is a tough one. I've heard Kate Winslet but I don't really buy it.

6. What other person on this list would you most like to go ice fishing with?
List? What list? Out of my reglulars? I guess Stacey. She's a mom so she's probably had to deal with a lot of stuff and wouldn't have a problem baiting a hook(?)

7. If your life was a soap opera, what would your name be?
Alexandra Peabody

8. What is your most treasured possession?
My cat...but I kind of think she's owns me. I'm her bi-atch.

9. Which person on this list would you least like to spend an hour locked in a closet with?
A drunk HotBabe because I think she'd try to make out with me...har har. Just kidding, Hotbabe.

10. What outfit do you own that you think you look the best in?
My birthday suit...ummmm NO! My Fav. blue jeans, black V-neck sweater, and black boots.

11. When was the last time you cried while watching a movie or TV show?
I know you're waiting on bated breath for this answer because I'm a robot and I don't cry during movies and/or tv but I finally remembered the last time I got choked up during a movie: during Passion of the Christ. The part during Mary's dream sequence in which she's remembering Jesus as a young boy and running towards him trying to catch him as he falls. But I don't like to count that movie since I was dragged to see it and my guard was down...

12. What do you own that you are most ashamed to admit you own?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie soundtrack. It's really my husbands but I'm still embarassed.

13. What is your most recent sin?
Thinking horrible thoughts about the girl working at Starbucks because she was loud, annoying, and totally inept.

14. What part of your body do you most want changed?
The part below my face.

15. If you had to choose someone from this list to marry, who would it be and why?
Sorry, I'm already married and bigamy is illegal...but if it wasn't....

16. What is your most embarrassing moment?
Too many to choose just one. Plus this list is getting long and I'm getting lazy...

17. What is your worst dating experience?
I dated a real A-Hole in high school so...all the times I went out with him...

18. What are you doing when you feel most attractive?
When I'm laughing. Except when I'm laughing so hard that I accidently snort. That's never attractive.

19. What is the brattiest thing you did as a kid?
Tattled on my brother and/or sister. I'm the youngest so I was forever trying to get them into trouble for revenge for beating the crap out of me.

20. What is the worst crime you have ever committed?
Ummmm...never been arrested or even close so I'll say crimes against fashion. Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking when I get dressed in the morning. I need help.

Gross II: Movie Theatre Popcorn

I never understood why people rave about movie theatre popcorn. It has always grossed me out. It always looks to me as if the punks working the refresment stand at the cinema probebly dunk their heads into the popcorn vat repeatedly. Either that or they sweep what is dropped on the floor back into the mix, lick it, and then stick there butts on it. (Well, maybe not the last one...) Even after telling this theory of mine to my husband he still insisted on purchasing a large popcorn this weekend rather than our usual sealed bag of Sour Patch Kids. Yuck. The only thing worse than the popcorn was the movie-we saw Saw and it blew. It blew big time.

Also while doing a little research for movie theater popcorn horror stories to back up my claim I found this-yet another reason to steer clear of the popcorn:

"A large popcorn had about 80 grams of fat, more than 50 of them saturated. That’s almost three day’s worth of sat fat, or what you’d get from six Big Macs. And that’s if you skip the "butter." Even though the topping is probably butterless, its partially hydrogenated soybean oil adds both saturated and trans fat. Trans is an unsaturated fat that raises cholesterol, perhaps as much as sat fat does.
Succumb to the "butter" on your large popcorn and you’ll boost the fat to close to 130 grams (no kidding). Worse yet, the cholesterol raising fat soars to almost four day’s worth. But what’s another two Big Macs when you’re already up to six?"

I say again, Gross.

I'm a Freak

I have a confession to make. I'm a total freak.
Yesterday I bought a video for my cat. She loves it.
I've become one of those people....

LOST

I'm totally addicted to the show LOST! I love it even though it reminds me of the times I have been stranded-especially in conjunction with my recent car troubles.

Lynn's LOST episode #1: I'm a junior in high school and it's the week of homecomming. The dance is in a couple days and I still don't have a dress. Time is running out especially since I have school all day, practice at night, AND I'm on student council which means I'm planning said dance in my spare time. So my cousin and I have the *great* idea to skip school and drive 1 1/2 hours to the mall to buy our dresses. I drive a crappy ass truck that is rusting through and the gas gauge doesn't work but I'm the only one with a vehicle. We make it to the mall, find our dresses and many other treasures, load up the truck and we're on our way-our parents none the wiser. That is, until my @#%*ing truck decided to die on the way back home. It's dark, it's snowing, and it's pre-cell phone era. With some strange luck, a friend of my parents happens to stop and is able to give us a ride all the way home. Where I was met with screaming parents who dragged my ass back that night to find the truck and tow it home.

Lynn's LOST episode #2: This happened about 5 months ago. I had just moved to Michigan from Washington, DC and I didn't have a car so my mom was nice enough to let me borrow hers. (apparently she had forgiven me since high shcool) One of the first weekends after borrowing the car I decide to drive to my sisters (2 1/2 hrs away). About an hour into the trip, and while singing my lungs out to Fleetwood Mac, the @#%*ing car dies-Stranding me on the side of a busy express way. Even though it is now the era of cell phones, I do not have one. Luckily a nice woman picks me up and takes me to the nearest pay phone which do not allow you to make calls to cell phones. So I dig out my change purse, call my dad, the only person at a land line and ask him to call me a tow truck. He calls me back and lets me know that the truck will be there within the hour and I need to get back to the car. Shit! So I have to hoof it back to my car, walking along, cars speeding by, assholes honking. I don't realize I'm walking the wrong way until about 30 min. into my trek so I have to climb one of those highway barriers to get to the other side to my car. By this time I know I've missed the tow truck. I finally get back to the car, find the note from the tow truck whick I had missed, and start a swearing rampage at the top of my lungs on the side of the road. Complete with flailing arms and kicking. So I start walking again...another nice lady picks me up, lets me use her cell phone, call dad back, dad calls truck back, I'm finally at car when truck arrives and I get taken to the dealership where I wait for 3 hours for my sister to pick me up since the @#%*ing car has to stay the entire weekend to get fixed. By the way, on my long ass hike, the tow truck driver had seen me walking but didn't seem to put two and two together and stop to pick me up.

I have bad luck with cars. Everyone, keep your cars away from me. I'm a menace!

ps-sorry about the long ass post. Congrats for those who made it through it.

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another

Let me just bend over and make it easier for you Chevy Dealership.
I just had my car towed and fixed today. My car thought I was trying to break into it which triggered the theft system and it wouldn't let me start it. It cost an arm and a leg to fix. I'm not going to tell you how much because I think if I see it in writing again I might burst into tears. Let's just say that, now, whenever I open my check book I can hear crickets and those little gnats fly out of it.
What a sucky day. First my car...then Bush for 4 more years. Atleast my car is fixed now...

I can't drive 55

I love to drive-fast. Michigan is a great place for fast drivers. It's an unwritten rule here that, even though the speed limit is 70 mph, you are expected to drive atleast 10 miles over that. As long as you're not cutting people off or weaving crazily through traffic you won't get pulled over. This weekend I drove to my sister's across the state so I had a good time.
One of my favorite things to do is pass people on the right. I know you're not supposed to do that but sometimes you get those jerks who drive 70 in the left lane and just hang there even though you're right on their tail. I like to speed past them in the right lane and give them the dirtiest look I can muster as I pass.
I also love to pass cars that should be totally kicking my craptacular Chevy Malibu's ass. This weekend I totally blew past some guy in an 80s white corvette. That must have pissed him off because he then proceeded to try to catch me and cut me off but he just couldn't keep up. But the best was flying by a brand new Chevy Crossfire. My car got a nice little pat on the dash for that feat.
The race car driver within has been satisfied for the moment.

However, I think I may have pushed my car a little too hard since it wouldn't start this morning, which brings my big head down a little bit. My theft deterent system has somehow been tripped and it won't let me start my car! I think I'm going to have to get it towed to the dealership to have them fix it. Has this ever happened to anyone? It really sucks. I think that Crossfire hexed my car. Or maybe the corvette coughed on it.

An Ode to my favorite Blue Jeans

I'm so sad. My favorite blue jeans are too faded and full of holes to wear out in public without fear of being arrested for indecent exposure. They were prefect. Good fabric that even washed well. Fit perfectly on my hips. Good back pocket spacing. The worst thing is that they are not being sold anymore and the similar pair I purchased to replace them just aren't the same. Alas, poor blue jeans, we've been through so much together. I bought you in DC but you kept me warm in New York, comfy in New Jersey, and that grease I spilled on you in Philadelphia from the cheese steaks came right out. You saw Lance Armstrong win the Tour de France with me and kept me dry in London-well, except for the spilled pints. Plus, I'd just gotten my ass grove perfect. Damn. But don't worry I'll still wear you around the house and to change the oil in my car.

Where are your favorite pairs from? I'm in the market for a new favorite pair of jeans.